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Being OK With Not Being OK: How to Greet Sadness

We can't be happy 100% of the time - so admitting that we're sad and dealing with it is an important part of a flourishing life.

Dr. Laurie Santos

Mar 7
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What’s your instinctive response when someone asks how you are?

“Fine.”

“Great!”

What if you’re having a hellish day at work, or you’ve just split with your partner, or you’re nervously awaiting some scary medical test results?

If you’re like me, you may still be tempted to reply: “I’m great, thanks!”

“There seems to be no bandwidth for people to actually say we're not happy right now,” says Helen Russell, author of How to be Sad: Everything I've Learned About Getting Happier by Being Sad Better.

“Sadness is what we're supposed to feel when we experience loss or disappointment, but this seemed culturally unacceptable.”

Helen was a successful writer for women’s magazines and noticed more and more articles devoted to happiness. What was happiness? And where was it to be found? She decided to devote her career to finding the answers. But when she gave talks it was clear her audiences often thought they should be happy no matter what was going on in their lives.

“People would ask: ‘How can I be happy?’ And this was often when really tough things had happened. Someone who'd recently lost a loved one. People who’d been made redundant or homeless, or suffered a bad breakup. And still there was a sense of ‘How can I be happy?’ There is this real reluctance to be sad.”

Helen’s story reminded me of a big misconception about happiness that was described perfectly by the great Harvard psychologist Dan Gilbert:

If we truly want to be happy, we need to accept that it’s ok to feel sad sometimes.

Being honest with ourselves about sadness is more important than you might think. If you're ever tempted to suppress painful thoughts, remember that you’re brain’s so-called “ironic processes” will only work against you. The harder you try to ignore sad or painful thoughts, the harder they will force their way through.

And if this sounds exhausting - it is. The cognitive work involved in suppressing things like pain and sadness winds up affecting things like our blood pressure. It will also take a toll on your performance (with some research suggesting that students who suppress sad feelings do less well on memory tests than peers who are more open about their painful feelings).

So how do we deal with our sad feelings rather than suppressing them? One effective way to confront our sadness is by committing our thoughts to paper - rather than letting sad memories rattle around chaotically in our heads. Research shows that the mere act of writing down our problems allows us to organise them more clearly. Telling the “story” of our troubles makes those troubles easier for us to process.

Jamie Pennebaker, a professor of psychology at UT Austin, is an expert on the power of expressing our emotions. He’s found that people who write down their saddest thoughts often experience reductions in symptoms of depression and in post traumatic stress disorder. Jamie has also shown that expressive writing has positive effects on our physical health - he found that participants in his research studies visited the doctor less frequently if they had written about their sad experiences.

While “journaling” is a great option for facing up to the sadder times we all endure – you might also want to be more open with the people around you. And that needn’t be your nearest and dearest.

On my podcast episode about sadness, Helen Russell told me a tragic family story - her sister died in infancy, which was followed swiftly by the collapse of her parent’s marriage. Helen’s mother had no one to talk to about these devastating twin blows. “Nobody wanted to talk about sad things,” she later told Helen. “I was expected to just carry on.”

Then Helen’s mom’s washing machine broke down. The repairman – a stranger – listened to the grieving divorcee as he tried to fix the machine. After he was gone, Helen’s mom decided to deliberately break the washing machine – which was still in warranty. She then booked the same repairman to return.

“He listened to her and to her pain and drank tea with her,” says Helen. “And I think she did broke the machine a couple more times as well. This guy with no connection to our families, really helped my mom when she was at her lowest ebb, I will be forever grateful to him.”

While I’m not suggesting you sabotage any household appliances, I think we can all learn from Helen’s mom. When someone, anyone, asks us how we are… maybe we shouldn’t reach for the stock reply and just say: “Fine”.

Maybe we should be more honest. We can say: “Actually I’m feeling sad.” Because that’s ok.

Stay safe,

Laurie

I really hope you're enjoying The Science of Wellbeing, my weekly newsletter looking at the latest research on happiness. If you find the tips and insights useful, please share these articles to help spread the word.

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11 Comments

  • Laura Moreno
    Like I have mentioned in the past, it takes effort to do it, but writing my feelings down does work. It’s weird because you don’t think it will.
    I do feel that there needs to be a component of self-compassion during this process. One cannot exist without the other.
    • 11w
    • Author
      Dr. Laurie Santos
      Agreed! Self compassion is super important for allowing and recognizing our sadness.
      • 11w
  • Annmarie Receniello
    I truly realize I am not alone in suffering the loss of loved ones. The grieving process is very long & quite painful.
    People often ask how am I feeling since my husband’s death ten months ago. I rarely answer honestly because I don’t think they are re…
    See more
    2
    • 11w
    • Author
      Dr. Laurie Santos
      Sorry to hear about your loss, but it's great to hear you admit to being sad. I hope you can share your truth with the people who care about you. Here's to normalizing sadness.
      • 11w
    View 1 more reply
  • Olga NM
    I use the Insight Timer App to meditate every day, and there were some changes to it recently. Now you are expected to rate how you are feeling every morning. It is interesting, but what I find a bit puzzling is that if you say you feel "normal" that i…
    See more
    • 11w
  • Kristina Kosta
    Thank you for this article!
    This book is really helping me with the grief of losing my Dad suddenly in Oct. It's been 6 months and I find that when I answer the question How are you?- with anything but "fine/ok" people become uncomfortable nervous. If…
    See more
    It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand
    AMAZON.COM
    It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand
    It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand
    • 9w
  • Adam Herbst
    I have to admit that this made chuckle. My mom is 87 and when I call and ask her how she is she always says horrible. She has done this likely since the Clinton Administration. She lists her litany of ill health and if given enough time will add tha…
    See more
    • 11w
  • Gladys Magee
    Dr Santos I would love if you could participate as a speaker at an upcoming event June18th via zoom. Discuss Science of wellbeing
    Sicklecelladvocatesfrochester@gmail.com
    • 11w
    • Author
      Dr. Laurie Santos
      I work with the Leigh Bureau to set up all my speaking events. You can contact them here: http://leighbureau.com/
      www.leighbureau.com
      LEIGHBUREAU.COM
      www.leighbureau.com
      www.leighbureau.com
      • 11w
    View 1 more reply
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