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The Paradox of Grief: Facing the Pain of Loss

Grief is a messy, chaotic and personal journey, but not one we can avoid

Dr. Laurie Santos

Jan 10
15

If there is one emotion that I dread the most, it is grief.

Of course, no one wants to experience the intense pain and sorrow of losing a loved one. But I tend to greet grief in the worst way possible - I try to mask it or bury it by throwing myself into my work.

I’ve read enough of the research to know that this is an unhealthy - and ultimately ineffective - response to an experience that none of us can avoid. But knowing that still doesn't make it easy to face such a dark feeling.

So as part of the new season of my podcast The Happiness Lab, I decided get some advice from bereavement expert Julia Samuel.

“Busyness is an anaesthetic,” Julia told me. “And probably along with drugs and alcohol it's the most common. That's where people can really stay stuck in their grief, when they block the natural grieving process.”

Julia has worked with grieving people for decades. She began her career trying to help parents who’d experienced the profound loss of a baby or a young child. She saw that confronting the full, raw force of grief was a far better option than seeking some way to blunt it.

Much of our modern culture tries to keep death at arm’s length. Hospitals have taken dying and death out of our homes, and medical science has lulled us into the misplaced belief that death can be delayed, even into advanced old age.

“It is fascinating how we kid ourselves,” says Julia. “It's this magical thinking.”

We tend not to talk about or even think about death. So it’s not all that surprising that we’re unprepared for the pain of grief when it does strike.

Julia says we must confront the reality that death will eventually part us from our loved ones – and by acknowledging that fact we can make sure we have the kinds of conversations that will make the grief of those left behind more manageable. We can tell people we love them right now, or settle silly feuds and disagreements.

As Julia put it: “The thing that will predict good outcomes for the survivors is having those vital and tender conversations. They are the bedrock of what you will revisit for the rest of your life. And if you miss that opportunity, if you don't resolve the things or ask the things that you need to, they start to go around and around in your head endlessly.”

Grief may be a tidy word, Julia explained, but “it’s a very personal, messy and chaotic business, that brings up in us a lot of competing and conflicting feelings”.

Many of us underestimate the complexity of grieving – sometimes assuming we can pass through emotions like denial and anger in a set pattern and within a certain timeframe (a few weeks for a work colleague, a few months for a grandparent, maybe a year for a parent or partner). But the science shows that there’s no “normal” way to progress through the grieving process. Indeed, worrying that we are getting grief “wrong” or taking too long to recover is deeply unhelpful.

But what can we do to take care of ourselves during the tough process of bereavement? In my next newsletter, I’ll share specific things Julia thinks we can all do to navigate the very personal journeys that is grief.

And not just for the pain of bereavement after the death of a loved one, but the other things we need to grieve - the loss of friendships, marriages and careers, and even the little things we’ve lost during this ongoing pandemic.

As you’ll see next time, the common thread of all these strategies is that they don’t rely on dulling or dodging the painful feelings.

“The paradox is that by allowing them, over time you do heal and recover and have hope again and love again.”

Stay well,

Laurie

I really hope you're enjoying The Science of Wellbeing, my weekly newsletter looking at the latest research on happiness. If you find the tips and insights useful, please share these articles to help spread the word.

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15 Comments

  • Mariana Miranda
    When my father died I was 9 months pregnant, i thought i should be calm and avoid crying in order to be "fine" and not harm my baby. A few days later my blood preassure was very high, so my sadness came out anyway but in a worse way. Now i know that …
    See more
    • 19w
  • Ashish Kelkar
    I remember myself as a young student when I had experienced grief when I broke up with my girl friend. I was literally into depression much more advanced condition than grief but then I decided to focus more on my hobbies and career which helped me tre…
    See more
    • 19w
  • HG Gearhart
    Hi, good words. I lost 30 to the first wave of AIDs. Then my Father, then I got sick and nearly dies, then lost my Mom, now my sister to dementia. I no longer have birth family members. I am grieving for all, but given the close instances that these oc…
    See more
    • 19w
    • Author
      Dr. Laurie Santos
      Yes, COVID has been tough for so many of us. We need these strategies now more than ever.
      • 18w
  • Jennifer Myers
    Thank you. I lost my husband last year, and I am still lost without him. I hate all the things I have to get use to. Like sleeping alone, wanting to call him and realize I can't, holidays suck now without him, life sucks without him. He was not j…
    See more
    • 19w
    • Edited
    • Author
      Dr. Laurie Santos
      I'm so sorry to hear. I can't imagine how you feel having not gone through this myself, but even though I know the pain must be awful— almost unbearable— the science shows you WILL get through this. And there are strategies you can use to (with time) b…
      See more
      GRIEF WORKS The App for Grief - by Julia Samuel
      GRIEFWORKSCOURSE.COM
      GRIEF WORKS The App for Grief - by Julia Samuel
      GRIEF WORKS The App for Grief - by Julia Samuel
      • 19w
  • Luz Eneida Alicea
    Is so hard for me, I lose my husband is going to be 15 years in April we married for 27 years. God bless our marriage but this lonely in my home 🏡 no good now with this movie I can joy go out.
    • 18w
  • Allissa Hunter
    What about when deaths happen so suddenly? My ex fiancé of 8 years died in October we had broken up a year but there was love there still. We didn’t talk cause we wanted to give each other that space to become friends again and eventually reach out, bu…
    See more
    • 19w
    • Author
      Dr. Laurie Santos
      I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I'd advise checking out some of the resources Julia has on her website—which do with the special pain that comes from a sudden loss: https://juliasamuel.co.uk/pillars-of-strength
      Pillars of Strength - Julia Samuel
      JULIASAMUEL.CO.UK
      Pillars of Strength - Julia Samuel
      Pillars of Strength - Julia Samuel
      • 19w
  • Susan Slinde
    Thank you again Dr Laurie. It has been the hardest two years of my life. It is the loneliness (and yes Covid makes it worse) . I thought I had not said good-by. Luckily my daughter had watched and we were able to talk about it. Susan
    • 19w
    • Author
      Dr. Laurie Santos
      So glad you were able to talk with your daughter. If you need more resources, I'd check out Julia's website: https://juliasamuel.co.uk/pillars-of-strength
      Pillars of Strength - Julia Samuel
      JULIASAMUEL.CO.UK
      Pillars of Strength - Julia Samuel
      Pillars of Strength - Julia Samuel
      • 19w
    View 1 more reply
  • Deborah Ivey McCormick
    I lost my brother/best friend 18 years ago he was 34 at the time to cancer, he was at my home on hospice until the day he died. I've missed him everyday since. I've never had time time grieve his death at the time because I took care of him and had to…
    See more
    • 19w
    • Author
      Dr. Laurie Santos
      So sorry for your loss. Sounds like you might also benefit from finding ways to process this grief now. I hope Julia's tools are helpful for you.
      • 19w
  • Frida Diaz
    Thanks, this pandemia has modified every personas life, and being happy World improve the soul at grieving
    • 17w
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